The Monologue (Part 1)

This morning, I killed my baby. As the blood drains away from the tub, I was filled with gratitude of it slowly disappearing and fading into a distant memory.

It all started when I was 16, from the negligence at home, I turned to attention from men, especially older ones. School was never a place I felt at ease. People there are all too focused on the thing I dread the most --- grades. Having nothing that I was particularly good at, I turned to extra-curricular activities outside of school and flaunting the best thing that God gave me --- me.

On the days I skipped school, I'd cruise around the city and find a warm place to be, watching people, calculating, and taking notes of what and who they would be. Then sometimes, older men who are out for meetings or salespeople would come up to me. We started talking, and one thing leads to another... things happened.

Over the years, I've been with countless men, approaching me at pubs, clubs, on the streets, and on the internet. Most of them I treated as experiments and experiences that I can learn from, just like text books. But sometimes, every once in a while, there will be ones that I felt completely bananas over. Threats, mental outbreaks, stalking, are all tactics that I've tried to hang on to them. Eventually, however, I finally found my salvation through alcohol. Fuck men!

Three years after my first expledition in sex, I've dropped out of school and found myself a job at a local mid-size company as a secretary in making coffee, running errends. At the same time, men still approached me with ease. Maybe it's the air I give out. I didn't mind though, as long as they overlook the fact that I'd sneak in a drink or two at work, which also made the job all the more bearable.

After working there for two years, I've found that I'm better off doing something more lucrative, so I started posting ads online and making phonecalls to my old 'boyfriends'. Thinking that maybe with the fact that they've slept with a minor, they would be my first batch of clients, as I launched my new 'career'.

Things started slow, but steadily. Over a year, I was able to make a small fortune. Fortunately, I was never a sex-addict or anything, so a sacrafice like this was easy for me. With flexible hours and own managment, my drinking also got steadily worse. But everything went for an even worse turn as one day as I was stumbling out of a club...