Samuel (two) - New Year's Eve

After a five hour marathon being in the smoke drenched basement and young head-bangers and rocker chicks, Samuel is more than happy to go home. Soaked in sweat and beer stains, he stumbles outside and realizes that it was pleasantly dark still. As he is enjoying the coolness of the winter wind, one of the girls from the table in the bar walks up and says, "ㄟ，你要回家瞜？" (Hey, you going home?)

"對，我很累了。但是很好玩。你呢？不累嗎？"(Yeah, I'm beat, but it was real fun. Aren't you tired?)

"我還好ㄟ，你家住哪阿？"(I'm all right, where do you live?)

"新店" (Hsindien)

"好遠喔，你要坐計程車阿？"(Are you taking a cab?)

"還好，在過一下捷運就開了"(Nah, the subway is about to open soon)

"那好，我跟你去捷運站，順便買水" (Then I'll come with you, and get some water for myself)

So they walked the two blocks of distance and talk some more about mundane stuff. He knows that her name is Sharon and a classmate of Tammy's. She specializes in sketches and water paint and hopes to go to New York City someday to learn to be more creative and adventurous.

Then they got to the MRT stop, the girl turned to him and says, "好啦，我也要回家了" (Well, I'm going home too)

"好，再見" (OK... see you)

He makes an awkward motion to hug, and the girl envelops into his big bear arms. On his way home, his mind is still on the night, how the series of events just appear in front of him just by being there. Maybe he never gave Taipei a chance before, but now. It is definitely not so terrible anymore.

Next week arrives, some of his friends are going to a big party at a hotel, so are Christine and her new guy. He thought: What the heck! He throws on his pinstriped shirt, neatly pressed, his black fedora hat with similar pattern on the band as his shirt, and his black dress pants. Checks himself, made a look, walks out as metal door clangs behind him. Overweight John Gielgud.

The party is the usual whities' parties: the non-coherent "DJing" with non-coherent people. Anyway, Mr. Gielgud grabbed a beer, watches the crowd and chats with Christine and her boyfriend, who seems like a funny enough Australian guy. Then he gets a text: What you doing? Wanna come to Brass Monkey to have a drink with my friends and me?

A phone number he doesn't recognize. So he texted back: Who is this?

Reply: Sharon, Underworld

He thinks for a moment then says to Christine that he'll see them later. Ten minutes later, he arrives, the place is packed. He wonders if he will spot the girl, in the meantime, he trudges across the bar to get a drink.

As he is waiting for his drink, a tap on the shoulder. Sharon and Tammy, dress in grey, the other one black. Flabbergasted, the only thing he was able to say is, "你們要喝甚麼？" (What do you girls wanna drink?)

They smiled and yelled over the noise, "Rum and coke!"

The night is mixed in mostly yelling chats and laughters, flashes from cameras and even more drinks. Finally, midnight, kisses, hugs, and fireworks.

Samuel (one) - Christmas

Samuel, an overweight man who lives alone in Hsindien, is suffering holiday depression this year. In the past, he'd always have some friends around to make an effort in celebrating the holidays are not very familiar to the locals. Cooking up a nice juicy turkey and making a creamy mash potato are his specialties. However, this Christmas, there is no one to carve it with.

Sitting at home with a Corona in his hand, staring blankly in front of HBO, tears uncontrollably running down on his pudgy cheeks, making stain marks on his maroon stripy polo. The Christmas tree still blinking its red and white lights in one corner with the cheap styrofoam decorations standing still, Santa Claus's cotton beard is falling off, like going back in time. Benjamin Button bullshit.

A text message arrived: "I hope you and your loved ones have a wonderful and warm Christmas and New Year!!" That was from Christine, who just recently shacked up with an Australian FOB who doesn't know any better and working as a white slave 'teacher'.

He moves on to his computer, Facebook, Chat number: 1, away. Notifications 1: "Vote if your friend so-and-so is more popular than the rest of your friends". Slamming the last drink he says, "That's it!" Then he puts on his black felt jacket and slams the metal door behind.

He sees the Christmas tree and decorations everywhere: "It's almost like home, " he thought. The alley is getting darker as the night goes on. On the main street, he sees people wearing Santa hats and green and red, going to some party.

Then he stumbles to Heping and Roosevelt, "Ah...45, brings back some memories." So he walks upstairs and orders a beer. The place is heaving with students. A young girl brushes pass him to ask for a rum and coke. She says to Sam, "You here with friends?"

"Nah, just myself, and you?"

"I'm with friends you want to come to sit with us? It's Christmas, don't sit by yourself. Come!"

The girl got her drink and pulls Samuel by his elbow and slowly wades him through the crowd. It's a group of 20 year-old Taiwanese with two whities. Then the girl whispers, "What's your name? I forget to ask!! I'm Tammy."

"Samuel"

"Ok, this is Samuel everybody." After she introduced all the people at the table, they took a seat. A girl beside Tammy asks, "他誰阿?" (Who is he?)

"在吧台剛遇到的。" (Someone I met at the bar)

Tammy then turned to Samuel, "Hey, do you speak Chinese?"

"Yeah, I can hold a conversation."

"那我們說中文吧!你做甚麼的？"(Then let's speak Chinese, what do you for a living?)

"我教英文，但是也有在做一點編輯。" (I teach English, and a bit of editing here and there)

"挖！好厲害呦！中文說得不錯ㄟ！" (Wow! You're Chinese is good!)

Then the other Taiwanese joined in:

"你在台灣多久啦？" (How long have you been in Taiwan)

"快六年，其實我中文一直都不是太好，因為我的朋友大部分都是外國人。" (Almost 6 years. Actually, my Chinese is not so great since I've spent more time with westerners)

"ㄟ？聖誕節不是你們外國人最盛大的節日嗎？那你怎麼會一個人來這裡勒？" (I thought Christmas is one of the biggest holidays westerners celebrate, how come you're here alone?) Tammy asks.

Then Samuel goes silent for a second and says, "我也不知道。我想他們有其他的安排吧。你們勒？都是師大的學生嗎？同學嗎？" (I guess they all made plans already. What do you guys do? Students from the university nearby?)

"恩，我們都是美術系的，有些大二，有些大三。" (Yeah, we're in the arts department, second and third years)

Art students, Samuel has no idea what that is all about. Never in his life has he liked or understood any of those abstract, modern, contemporary pieces of 'arts' are. To him, media is more of his liking.

"你們看電影嗎？我聽說Avatar很好看。" (Have you seen Avatar? I've heard it's good)

"有阿！我們在開幕的第一天晚上就跑去看晚場的。吼！但是沒想到這麼久ㄟ，將近三個小時ㄟ！Oh my god...差一點在電影院尿遁！" (Yeah! We saw it the night it was out. Man, I didn't think it was THAT long, I almost peed my pants waiting for the washroom)

"拜託，我早就跟你說不要喝那麼多可樂！誰叫你。"(Oh please, I told you not to drink so much coke while we're watching!)

"我覺得還好我們早點去，你看在真是嚇死人的多！" (It's good that we saw it early, have you seen the lines these days? Insanity!)

Now, Samuel is a bit confused with the conversation, so he asked the two foreigners who also seem to be bewildered. "Oh, sorry, I'm Samuel, what are yours?"

The spiky-haired blonde jock answers, "I'm Steven, he's Derick."

"Hey, did you guys see Avatar?"

"Nah, too many people. Besides, we just got here, need to be a bit frugal, ya know."

"Oh, where are you guys from?"

"We're from Canada. He's from Vancouver and I'm from Calgery, what about you?"

"I'm from California"

"Oh yeah? Where in Cali?"

"Near LA, so you guys here to learn Chinese?"

The other shaggy-haired brunette says, "He is, not me though. Just tryin' to make some money. We've got some friends here from back home and they said Taiwan's a nice place to be so here we are. Your Chinese seems to be very good, been here for a while?"

"Yeah, about 6 years."

"ㄟ，Samuel, 你要不要再一杯阿？" (You want another one, Samuel?) One of the Taiwanese guys with Morrissey hair called 小白 asked

"好阿，幫我買一杯Carlsberg,　謝謝" (Sure, Carlsberg please)

"我們等一下要去Underworld,你要不要去？" (Hey, we're going to Underworld later, wanna come?)

"好阿，喝完這杯我們就去。" (Sure! After this drink)

Samuel feels a bit strange about hanging out with a bunch of 20-year-olds, but then again, this beats staying at home with his stuff and 5-year-old Christmas tree. Then he sees Tammy looking at him, "Cheers!" she smiles, he smiles back.

The Teacher (part 7)

Coming back was the best choice so far. Daniela returned to her comfort zone and regained her sanity. They stopped seeing each other for a semester, so the only interaction was left in class. The girl also made new group of friends, and spent most of her time with them in school.

The blaseness of Appleby has pushed the girl away. Since then, Daniela has been hanging out with a different group of people, the so called 'cool' kids in class.

One day, Daniela was walking home with one of her new friend, Paul, who's on the football team, his hair glistening under the December sun as he strutted in his Adidas.

"Hey D, wanna hang out on the weekend? My parents will come home late."

"Uh...sure, I'll ask if Sasha wants to come too."

"Actually, I'm more thinking about just you and me. It's ok if you don't want to."

"No, no. I'd be happy to."

On that day, Daniela dressed herself up and intentionally put on some makeup. As she arrived at Paul's house, she noticed that there were some noises inside. She knocked and Paul came to the door and said, "Wow, you look great! Come on in."

"What were you doing?"

"Oh... well, just baking brownies since I knew girls are into sweets. I got the recipe from my mom. It'd be cool if this just stays between the two of us."

So they watched a movie and shared a brownie. Then Paul kissed her. Daniela was surprised at how good it felt. Then, other than the chocolaty sweetness in their mouths, they also shared their first intercourse.

In the end, the embarrassed boy got up and hurriedly wanted to cover everything up. But Daniela, caught his hand and said, "Don't worry about it." Then led him to an embrace in their own fluid and tissues. For the first time in her life, she felt in control and powerful when looking up at the pubescent boy with his clear skin and hairless body.

Since then, every day that passed, Appleby just seemed more and more like a bad dream. Finally, the girl was able to see what the world has to offer around her. She took hold of it and made the most of it.

Augustine the Octopus

In the Australian reef, there lives an octopus name Augustine. He likes to be around others, and is always interested in what others are doing.

One day, when Augustine was on his way to get food, he saw his old pal, Bob the Blowfish.

"Hey Bob, seems like you've lost some baby fat!" said Augustine.

"Yeah, ate a bad clam the other day, still having the shits," said Bob.

"Oh, that's too bad, I was going to invite you to the rocks to get some crabs, but I guess it's better now cos you get to keep your figure," replied Augustine.

Inflated with anger, Bob had more difficulty talking, but Augustine was already singing to himself and heading toward the rocks. Then, a shrimp from the Swimps said, "Hey Augustine, what's up with the blues?"

"I'd love to chat Swimp, but I'm trying to get this fish over there behind that rock, your dolphin-like squeak will scare them away. I'll talk to you later," whispered Augustine as he gets ready to make a move.

Then Augustine caught the mackerel, as he was enjoying his meal, Eason Eel came over.

"Hey Augustine, do you need some help with that?" asked Eason

"Hahaha.... what do you mean do I need some help?" said Augustine

"Well, I just thought that friends help each othe

r. But if you don't need any, then I'm sorry I asked," said Eason.

"Eason, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I have eight legs so I think I can handle it alright," Augustine tried to be as kind as he could, but apparently, it was too late.

"Don't worry about it," Eason swarmed away and never looked back.

After Augustine finished, he roamed to the intertidal zone where flounders, sea stars, and sea cucumbers like to be, hoping to get someone to play with. Then he saw Erika, a sea cucumber, as she rolls around in the current.

"Hey Erika, are you hanging in the current? Got some good stuff there?" asked Augustine.

"Oh you know, the usual. But I've been getting this really great residue from the pipes near the village. They have some real delicacies," said Erika.

"That's good. I just had a big meal too, a good size mackerel. I think my skill is getting better," said Augustine.

"Good for you. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go filter my meal," said Erika as she rolled away in the current.

Then Augustine, feeling frustrated and sad, crawled over to the deeper end of the ocean. Suddenly, he saw The Black Crawler, bubbling through its silver tank as he flaps through the water going toward the coral reef.

The octopus knew what he had to do to save his friends. He shoots over like a flash of lightning and grabbed on to its leg and took a big bite on the wet suit. The diver then felt the pain and stabbed the octopus with his spear and killed Augustine right through the brain.

Being a Blue Ring Octopus is never easy. For Augustine, he craved for friendship and maybe he's rough around the edges, yet others disliked him because of their own insecurities. In the end, Augustine died alone, but never did he miss the point of friendship.

The Teacher (part 6)

After Daniela had taken the train by herself, Appleby made her way to an my place on the way.

"Fancy seeing you here," I said.

"Well, you know I wouldn't come here if it weren't something that you can help me with," said she.

"What? About your job?"

"Not exactly, but more about a student."

"A student? Are you sleeping with a student?"

"You among all people shouldn't be surprised, Mark."

"Touche, but aren't they only teenagers? That's pushing it a bit, don't you think?"

"It didn't start out like that..."

She then told me about the whole thing and I must say, I was shocked about how young the girl was. But then again, who am I to judge? Appleby met me about the same age as that girl met her. Being the older, wiser one, I had to teach her many things about life, including pain. But then, the most painful part was to let her go and knowing that she might not return again.

"You know that you might be in serious trouble with this when you first started right?"

"Yes, but teaching is something I can take it or leave it."

"Well, what do you want to do?"

"I want to take her under my wings."

"To create another you?"

"Do you think you've created another yourself with me?"

"To certain extent."

Then she trailed off, talking about how her class and social life have changed since she met this girl. But in the back of my mind, I couldn't help but being intrigued by Daniela. What are the young kids like these days? What do they smell like? What do they talk about? What makes them tick?

I remember when Appleby was just a girl, she was smart and curious about life. Maybe that's why she chose me. Over the two years, we've shared some of the most intimate and wild moments. Being with a younger female, I really felt that my life had been turned around for the better.

When she had gone to college, however, I felt that I had nothing else to give her. Knowing that her best bet would to lose me, I wished her the best. Over the years, it was nothing but sporadic emails and visits. The passion was shared, but I knew my time has gone. Now, drifting in and out of women, Appleby has become my pride and joy.

After this get-together, Appleby kept her words and made her mark shown on Daniela when I saw the both of them next time. The next time, was nothing like today.

The Teacher (part 5)

Despite the fact of Appleby's sense of losing her old thrills since hanging out with Daniela, she has gained much from that young girl, especially in socializing. Having this new confidence, her class has been more involving than ever, the students are responding a lot better and more active than before. Also, she is more extroverted than before, and this, was something that neither of them had expected.

One day, during one of their weekend getaways, a man at the cafe, after exchanged a few glances with Appleby, came over and said, "You two are just about the best looking gals in the restaurant."

Daniela smiled awkwardly but Appleby responded, "Well, thank you. You don't look half bad yourself."

The man then bravely asked, "I know I might be totally outta line here, but are you girls like sisters or something?"

Daniela barked, "No, we're lovers, why don't you just go hit on other women who are available?"

Appleby gave her a severe look. The man walked away mumbling.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" said Appleby.

"Why? You wanna fuck that man?" snapped Daniela.

"Well, if you weren't here," replied the woman.

"Fuck you!" Daniela left her seat and walked out of the cafe and went straight for the car.

As the girl walked off, Appleby realized that jealousy might just be the new thrill to spice up her life. Walking over to the car, Appleby said nothing and drove to their hotel. When they arrived, Appleby told the girl that she will be in the hotel bar. The girl left and Appleby move toward the bar and slugged a shot of sambuca and looked around the room. Meanwhile, the bar was slowly taken over by a group of young men for a bachelor party.

Suddenly, Appleby felt the place filling up with noise and people. After finishing up her drink, Appleby was just about to go when another was placed before her. "Stay," said the bartender.

"Thanks."

"So, are you enjoying the party so far?" ask the bartender.

"No, was just going to hit the sack," replied the woman.

"Why not wait awhile and I can join you?" ask the bartender.

When Appleby finally made her way back to the hotel, she saw Daniela sitting on the bed, back against the wall, and staring blankly at the TV in mute.

"Where did you go?" The girl asked.

"You don't wanna know," said the woman.

Then the girl threw the ashtray on the nightstand and hit the woman on the forehead.

"You little bitch!" cried the woman as she slapped the girl.

The girl charged at the woman and wrapped herself like the strangler fig. The more Appleby Appleby struggled, the tighter she held on. Finally she got away and pinned the girl down and said, "This is not how it's done. You need to calm the fuck down or else I'll walk out that door again and you'll never see me anymore."

"I want to be seen and acknowledged, I'm tired of hiding and pretending," sobbed the girl. "I love you and having a relationship like this is killing me."

"You love me? Honey, I don't think you know what that means to begin with," said Appleby calmly.

"Then what are we doing? Just fuck buddies? Just a perverted teacher-student fuck buddies?" said Daniela, gathering all her stuff by now and walking toward the door.

"No, you're just a pet project. My perverted pet project," said Appleby.

The Teacher (part 4)

Appleby and Daniela, what an impossible match. Never in the teacher's mind had she thought that anything would come to this from her own perverted acts. However, once the nature of cause and effect take place, everything becomes possible.

The teacher usually enjoyed quite some time of aloneness in the usual semesters periods, things like: keeping a scrap book, cooking (yes, she lied about the baking), or reading. But after Daniela, her life has been nothing else but extremity.

Since they started, Daniela seemed to be more anxious and irritable altogether. She would purposefully avoiding any contact with Appbleby by talking to others during class. But when they meet, ruptures of passion and love clashed between them. Then came the silence after, or the clamp up of emotions which threw Appleby into a whole new dimension of uncertainties and doubts about herself and her choice.

Despite the fact that Appleby feels that this girl's existence had made her more complete, in the sense of being 'normal'. At the same time, she herself had lost her old thrills, fantasies, and independence. Despite the torrid rendezvous, the pleasure and power that were once hers didn't belong to her exclusively anymore. Somehow the girl slowly turned into an invader and a parasite to her life.

One day, feeling reminiscence, Appleby went through that box of ceramic cups she put away a few months ago. She realized that the sacrifice of the past has to come to an end, for she is not herself anymore. Over the next week, she began to resent that young girl of wasting her full-grown self to pamper those innocent, immature tantrums and demands. "Wisdom comes with age", she thought, "and Daniela is sucking the life out of me by simply, being young."

But since having Appleby, Daniela had never been so in touch with herself. Being a high school student is all about being emotional and physical when hormones are the ones to blame, but Daniela had been blase about the whole thing. She thought she could outsmart the process and she had, till she met Appleby. Standing naked before a grown woman, Daniela was intimidated, both physically and mentally; yet having her smarts, she believed that everything is learnable.

The months passed, and Daniela had been increasingly admiring and adoring Appleby's strength in dealing with her and giving her space. She felt the most at ease with her because she never think that she needs to say anything unimportant. If someone had asked her what love is, she would have answered, Appleby.

The Teacher (part 3)

When Appleby saw the symbol, her throat was dry and heart raced. She started clawing through the files in her drawer for any information, grades, work, anything. Names isn't her strong suit, for it's only been recently that she has been training herself to see the wholeness of these girls. Finally, she got the girl's photo from the administrative office, the file named: Daniela Russo.

The wavy dark hair floats down her slender yet healthy shoulders, her cheeks is tinted with a faint pink, her blue eyes sparkled the usual youth. The only thing that really differs her from the rest of these young girls is her mole just 1.5in away from her mouth, on her left cheek. Now, Appleby's got a full image, and she remembers this girl from her classes. She can't wait

when the winter break is over.

During the breaks, she always goes to far away places, a time to be herself. Hanging out with men, women, depending on her mood. Despite this little secret, she still prefers men, because men always made her feel safe, yet boring. Women, on the other hand, have always been the dangerous ones, like spicy food --- even though you know what you're getting, the outcome is always different.

Unlike her usual trips, she'd been making plans on her ways to approach. On the first day of school, she saw Daniela walking in, and for the first time, she looked at her in the eyes and smiled. The girl did not shy away, instead, she returned the smile. Filled with hope, Appleby discussed the answers on the finals, made intentional references to Danila's answers. And the young girl gloated with her friends of her well-deserved A plus.

Juggling between power and her tactics of being closer to the girl, Appleby has been bolder than ever; other than doing her usual stunt at the third period, she is completely focused on the classes, especially when Daniela is in. Unintentionally, the classes also respond well, more lively than ever. More after-class tutorials from students, from girls, especially. Appleby has started her own cult.

Daniela, on the other hand, has also become closer to her. One day, Appleby made a comment about not knowing how to bake when they were talking about Julie & Julia, then Daniela said she can bake the best apple pie there is, and even made an offer to Appleby, saying that she'd bring her some the next time she makes some. Weeks later, Daniela fulfilled her promise, and brought the pie to the teacher at break time. They shared the pie.

The Teacher (part 2)

After that day, Appleby has been born again. She now faces life not with her usual self, usual routines, but takes it like a fresh start. Knowing that she isn't alone, she needs a change. The most ritualistic way of changing has got to be something meaningful rather than the formality of it. Therefore, she has put away all the ceramic cups and dishes that have been accumulated over the years. Boxing them, she felt revived and relived.

For the next few weeks, she has also changed her voyeurism too, just to see if there's any clues to seek out the author of that message. Now, instead of merely seeing them as a symbol, she is starting to expand it to seeing their faces, emotions, and gestures. Putting them together like a complete image.

Glancing, sometimes studying these young mares waving around their pony tails, the careless ways they chew gum, and their prematurity, Appleby takes all that in, and the more she sees, the more she feels she's at one with them. They remind her of her own insecurities and light-heartedness that she once had. But most importantly, she's seeking for a glance that corresponds.

Nothing turned up during the semester, but while she was grading the finals, she noticed the mark of the heart exclamation at the end of her essay on Cyrano De Bergerac. The question was:

Is Roxane worthy of the love that Cyrano feels for her, or is she simply a romantic ideal of womanhood to him?

The answer:

Throughout the story, Roxane has shown great courage and competence during the battle, and is supposed to be beautiful and smart, she also made men around her fell for her. However, Cyrano's feeling is merely a reflection of his own self-realization and obsessiveness rather than honest observance of Roxane. At the same time, the author has not given enough information of what Roxane is, lacking of detailed description, it is obvious that this story is nothing more than the author's own fantasized of womanhood. Or simply, he's never understood any women

The Teacher (part 1)

Miss Appleby is a middle school teacher who has been teaching for 7 years. Other than eating at nice restaurants on occasions, and collecting ceramic tea cups when she travels, her favorite is to pick on the pretty girls in the class, a hobby that has slowly been cultivated through the years. Her aim is not exactly to make them uncomfortable, but just to make them open their mouths in her English class.

As they talk, those pink glossy lips and pearly white teeth, occasionally accompanied by the wet tongue in between them, she gazes at them with a shameful lust and desire. Sort of like masturbation.

She never really thought about the connection between that and

her favorite part on her body. But they definitely have something in common, other than the fact that they're both source of pleasure, they are also aesthetically pleasant to look at. However, Appleby isn't a person with good dexterity, therefore, she never attempted to paint either of them, but admire them afar or occasionally pleasure them.

As the years passed, she has been more and more bold about her desires, and would even find time to release herself in the girl's room. And with the occasional bursting in through the doors of chatty girls, putting on their make-up in the mirror, Appleby would peep through cubicle cracks. All these images and action have made it all the more thrilling and realistic than being in bed with her own drab memories in her printed sheets.

Then one day, as she was preparing her usual stunt in the third period when she's free, she noticed a red print on the door saying: Appleby's a pervert. The ruby colored words smeared against each other, but carefully sculpted, as if the writer sounded sincere if she were to say it. Appleby felt a shiver down her spine, having no idea who has seen what, she quickly gathered her nerves and walked out of the bathroom.

The shame and guilt surged in her just like her desire a moment ago. But next, her curiosity emerged with great vengeance. Her secret guilty pleasure seems to be not so much of a secret anymore, and there is an admirer out there who watches her too. That night, she had the best orgasm in her life.

The Monologue (Part 3 Finale)

Business was going well since most of the customers were introduced by my clients, or just clients. I still can't get over the fact that these men that I used to wring for cash have been one of the best things that happened to me. I guess the world does work in mysterious ways after all.

Over the years, I've been intimate with men, women, but having never had a role model for female, since my mother is just a regular drunken Stepford wife from hell, nor a male one, since my dad is a materialistic-prick, all hope is lost when things tends to get serious every time. I'd push them away. Yes, but then there's one, that only one, which took me two chapters to pave the way to.

A client, cliche I know, but how would I get to know someone well being in this line of business? Let's call him Mr. H, who is unlike most of them. Most of them have been quite open to me to some degree, like a courtesan from the past, they'd tell me the things that they wouldn't normally tell or discuss with their allies or wives/girlfriends. But H is different in the sense that he would not speak anything of himself, but ask me of myself.

He'd notice my facial changes, my hair, my movements. He made me feel like a person, a woman. Knowing that I'm never a materialist, he'd never buy me anything other than paying for the right amount for what he asked for. He's also the only client that I was working for at that time, paid me as he did, money to me was never the issue.

At the same time, however, my kind of existence is actually very lonely, since I cannot relate to anyone except for the social outcasts. So every now and then, I'd still tread the skirts of the town, keeping a group of 'friends', who would hang in a rented room in the lower part of the city to escape from whatever reality that we've been through.

One night, after having a fight with H, I got horrendously drunk and drugged up till I passed out somewhere. I was so angry at mostly myself for having been so stupid to let someone in and being possessed with possessiveness and jealousy. Also, I was so pissed off at the fact that he was unable to let me in on anything about him, even after all these years.

When I awoke, under the sheets, I'd realized that I had been raped. How ironic it was to be bitch slapped by reality like this. There's no way of knowing who did it since all drug users and drunks are just straight-out liars anyway, and going to the police would also be out of the question. So the only logical thing to do was just to make it go away by myself.

The next thing I knew I was seeing myself bleeding into the drain. After that, I cleaned myself up, and swore that this bitch is closed for business.

The Monologue (Part 2)

There was a text from my uncle saying that my grandfather had passed away last night. It was 4am, and the only man I've ever loved just left me. While the bitter wind stung my cheeks, I was unable to cry, unable to talk, but managed to arrive home. Hoping that it's all just a bad dream, I slept. And like a nightmare, I awoke later by my own sobbing.

That day I thought my soul slipped for good. Since then, I had my fair share of binging on the drugs and drinks that I could get my hands on. But after a while, it all just seemed boring when I saw all the drifters, living dead, and self-pities that I was surrounded by. I am probably a fallen woman, but the few things that this job has taught me was, never be a sucker. So now, I've done the grieving, the quick bucks, the uppers and downers, but where was all this leading to?

Being young, street-smart, and got a few quid to my name, I'm sure I can do something with myself. Even though I no longer have anyone to depend on, I had to strengthen myself, and the best armor of all is money. Not being very good at math, but having a self-owned business for quite a while, I've decided to make it my thing.

I started asking a few of my clients about where the best business schools are and checking them out online, and I got my eyes set on a school not too far from where I lived, known to be the best business school in the business.

So, hard work, applied, got in. I guess all the tricks that I've turned really paid off, in every way you can think of! When I told my clients of the news, most of them were surprisingly supportive, some even offered to pay, just so they can be part of this growth of mine. I bid them farewell and started the long, hard road of learning.

I must say, that was a lot harder than lying on your back and do the crossword puzzle in your brain. But of course I passed the course and got myself a degree. My grandpa would have been proud. Like I said, he was the only one that I've loved, because he was the only one who really gave me the time and day, and really listened to what I had to say and cared about me when my own parents were too ashamed and disgraced by me, as if having me was their biggest mistake.

Now, equipped with my knowledge, I'm shone in a different light. I'm no longer the whore, but the whore who's got a degree. Pretty soon after I graduated, I put together a shop, a men's clothing shop, and the future seemed like diamonds and pearls.

The Monologue (Part 1)

This morning, I killed my baby. As the blood drains away from the tub, I was filled with gratitude of it slowly disappearing and fading into a distant memory.

It all started when I was 16, from the negligence at home, I turned to attention from men, especially older ones. School was never a place I felt at ease. People there are all too focused on the thing I dread the most --- grades. Having nothing that I was particularly good at, I turned to extra-curricular activities outside of school and flaunting the best thing that God gave me --- me.

On the days I skipped school, I'd cruise around the city and find a warm place to be, watching people, calculating, and taking notes of what and who they would be. Then sometimes, older men who are out for meetings or salespeople would come up to me. We started talking, and one thing leads to another... things happened.

Over the years, I've been with countless men, approaching me at pubs, clubs, on the streets, and on the internet. Most of them I treated as experiments and experiences that I can learn from, just like text books. But sometimes, every once in a while, there will be ones that I felt completely bananas over. Threats, mental outbreaks, stalking, are all tactics that I've tried to hang on to them. Eventually, however, I finally found my salvation through alcohol. Fuck men!

Three years after my first expledition in sex, I've dropped out of school and found myself a job at a local mid-size company as a secretary in making coffee, running errends. At the same time, men still approached me with ease. Maybe it's the air I give out. I didn't mind though, as long as they overlook the fact that I'd sneak in a drink or two at work, which also made the job all the more bearable.

After working there for two years, I've found that I'm better off doing something more lucrative, so I started posting ads online and making phonecalls to my old 'boyfriends'. Thinking that maybe with the fact that they've slept with a minor, they would be my first batch of clients, as I launched my new 'career'.

Things started slow, but steadily. Over a year, I was able to make a small fortune. Fortunately, I was never a sex-addict or anything, so a sacrafice like this was easy for me. With flexible hours and own managment, my drinking also got steadily worse. But everything went for an even worse turn as one day as I was stumbling out of a club...