Lovestruck (Four) Love Lost, Love Gained

"This time, it doesn't happen again"

After a year-long of correspondence, I finally decided to go to New York City, partially was to visit the great city, but it is actually to revisit the man I met in San Fran. The only difference besides my feeling was that I also went with a boyfriend.

This boyfriend and I had always been great friends who supported and understood each other. The reason why we got together was just so. But being in a different city also gave me a different perspective of what I want with a 'boyfriend', so we had a talk and stopped this boyfriending on the third day of our arrival. We didn't go our separate ways but still stayed until our original plan. He left, and I stayed on.

Actually, me and the man from San Fran only but met once while I was there, for I was too lost for words for anything more, I guess he was too. So I left it the way it was and stopped all communication.

The rest of the days I spent with some people at the hostel that has an abandoned hospital beside it with a huge chimney. Drinks, coffees, and conversations were taken up on the rooftop. For me and others who have stayed for more than a week have learned how things work at this establishment and have already conjugated cliques. And with any newbies, they soon find their groups to settle in, and one of them was Marc.

He went with his friend and came from Europe. He had an air of scholary unworldliness and his looks reminded me of comic book characters from Japanese manga: big blue eyes, blond longish hair, and his angular looks.

Right away, he caught my eyes as he stepped onto the terrace. Like how everything begins, we chatted and got to know each other. Him, his friends and a couple of others we conjugated. We bar hopped, diner dropped in, gallery visited. A few memories still stayed with me.

This was a diner near Columbia University, which is also just behind the hostel. The sticky linoleum floor with a waitress full of attitude serving sawdust coffee were great contradictions to Brad Pitt's autographed photo that's hung on the wall. Apparently, he filmed the beginning scene of Meet Joe Black here.

I don't remember much of what the food tasted, I only remembered the place was a dump but I wouldn't trade the company for anything in the world.

For nearly three weeks, even though we visited the city as a group, Marc and I knew we had feelings for each other. But after two years of torment, I've learned my lesson of not losing myself in travel romances. So I played my cards close to my heart and remained friends with him all the way up till the end of our stay. A spark was made, and the ember of this affection has been burning for more than a decade, and yet we still remain worlds apart.

Lovestruck (Three) - Love, help, fears

"Four walls and a roof"

People always say that music or smell captures memories more than visual. More intimate, some say.

In the summer of 1999 I went to San Francisco and I met a man who dressed like those in the magazine. We first met on Yahoo! Personal website 'Bay Area' section. After exchanging some emails and chats for weeks, we met at a Starbucks near the Montgomery Bart Station and chatted till late into the night.

Sleek hairdo, perfectly fitted shirt with dark brown pants, an aspired fashion designer and a talented writer, our first date in real life ended up in locked lips.

The next two weeks and a half we spent mostly in his 6x6 feet room with white walls around, naked, dressed, talking about love, art, music and life. The cold foggy nights of San Fran with the orange street lights marked my memory of him from his bedroom window. Holding hands, we paved the streets from the Mission to the bay area and him snapping pictures of me, but I have none of him.

The weeks ended with years of email correspondence and promises that were never fulfilled. Words said, tears cried, and hearts broken. Whatever trips that were planned weren't traveled, until the next year - in New York.

Lovestruck (Two) - Boy in black jean

A summer of kissy kiss promiscuous - 1996.

It happened when I was 16 in London. In total, I kissed 6 boys, but there was only one that I truly liked. He had blond hair, blue eyes, was medium height, and always wore black jeans. Our first kiss happened in a pub, with me wearing an ankle-length blue dress from Laura Ashley. After that, everything was history, and even more so now since that memory has lost its luster from the layering of years.

However, youth has its charm, persistence is one.

After returning home, other than telling the story of how all six guys were all at one venue one night and how I had to juggle between them was the story of the boy in black jean. Since the internet had just been invented, access was still limited, so I was stuck with snail mail. Regular weekly letters arrived and mailed. I passed the days by writing melancholy poems and keeping a journal:

"Everyone has a soul.

It's like the main thing in life.

I used to have one,

bright and alive.

Everyone has flesh.

It's like the basic thing in life.

I used to have one,

gorgeous and full of strife."

or something like:

"My passport lies on the desk in front of me. I start to think about whether I should do it or not. Will it be worth it? Or should it just take me away, away to Frankfurt/Main, Though he might have forgotten about the time that we shared, I just wanna see him one more time before my soul flees, before my heart empties. Are others like me when they're so love sick?"

Letters turned to postcards, postcards turned to random phone calls. But my thoughts of him stayed strong. Finally, he came to see me.

It was in a rainy summer. He arrived with his black jeans. I, the same, with my youth. His three-day stay was a dream come true in concept, because the revisit in reality after a year seemed less than how my mind played it out to be. The final chapter to this year-old fling.

Lovestruck (One)

"I wish you were like a magazine that I can hold and read before I go to sleep."

From my adolescence to adulthood I've always loved and hated falling in love, particularly when I travel abroad. The spark is so bright and intense, the feeling is so mutual in almost every aspect. The sex is great, even if it's not, it's passionate. But leaving is the killer, like the first glance, first kiss. Most of the time, if not all, we almost never meet again.

Thanks to technology, there's Facebook, there's gmail and skype to keep that memory somewhat alive.

But all there is left in reality are the routines that you don't want to do, the books you don't want to read, and the only things that keep you going are the music that reminds you of the time you met and the photos you took of him. They become crack and draws you into the memories so deeply sometimes you lose track of where you are because reliving that moment becomes so painfully desperate, then you may want to make irrational decisions like flying there, somewhere, anywhere, just to chase that pink fluffy happy ending.

It's never like that.

People move on in reality and one day turns into one week turns into a year, ten years. Never.

What am I supposed to do now?

Hangover

Waking up with a hangover, I stumbled out to get my water hoping that the headache won't set in too soon, or better yet that it doesn't happen at all. The Saturday sun seems milder than the weekdays' and the breeze is a nice touch. A whole Saturday with nothing to do, um... luxury.

After eating some chilli and watching a few episodes of Mad Man, I was fed and fed up. So I laid on the bed hoping that sleep could take me back to soberness, but the breeze kept me awake.

I walked over to the balcony and looked down as the cat stroke my legs with its soft hair. The park across the street looks calm, and the man who lives in a building across is washing the windows at his front door, the rest of the residents are not visible from where I'm standing. Maybe they are out, maybe they are looking back at me like I am with them, only secretly. Then another breeze, only this time there is a hint of jasmine and grass. I love summer. However, the lack of rustling cicadas or the cooing of quails seems odd, maybe they are also enjoying their Saturday leisure.

Samuel (seven) - Finale

The next day, Samuel arrives at work the usual time, bumps into Matt, Matt says, (tse) "Hey buddy! How did that date go?"

"What date?" Samuel tries hard to disguise his surprise.

"Oh, I thought you guys were going on a date when I saw you in front of the gym with that chick"

"No...no, we're just friends"

Then Samuel goes back to his work and pretends to be busy till 4:30 comes, Samuel rushes to the gym and changes his clothes. He walks around the gym as casually as he can and he sees her, Mandy, who is on the treadmill sweating away. He goes near her and gives her a wave, indicating her that he'll be in the other area, she waves back and acknowledges it then goes back looking straight ahead. He walks over to the weights section and starts his back routines. Half an hour later, she comes over, hair wet and all, she says, "So, what are we working on today?"

"Back and bis"

"Oh great! Can you show me some back workouts? I've always wanted to know what are the other ways with dumbells than just using the machines all the time"

Showing Mandy all the positions that he knows of, he tries to be as to the point as he can while being a gentleman. When it's all done, the woman says, "Wow, thanks! I've never known that there are so many different varieties"

"Yeah? Thank you. I didn't know I know so much till I've shown you. Hey, you wanna grab some dinner?"

"Uh.. sure! Meet you in front of the gym like... 15 mins?"

They goes to the panini place nearby. Samuel tells her she's very diligent in working out, not many women there are that serious about it it seems. She tells him that he is too, and that most people go there to pick up. Then they laugh and finish off. As they walk down the alley, Samuel asks, "Hey, you wanna go somewhere to have a drink or something?" The woman looks at him and smiled that smile with her eyes. "Yours or mine?"

On their way, Sharon calls, "Hey, 你在幹嘛阿？"(What are you up to)

"喔，我在回家的路上。有甚麼事嗎？"(Oh, I'm on my way home, what's up?)

"沒有阿，剛剛跟朋友吃完飯。你今天晚上沒事嗎？"(Nothing much, just finished dinner with some friends. What are you up to tonight?)

"其實我現在有事，我明天再打給你吧。" (Well, actually, I'm kinda busy right now. Can I call you tomorrow?)

"（停頓）好，那掰掰。" (*Pause* Oh ok, later then)

They walk up the stairs to the rooftop, the light behind them shows the silhouette of two people, then turn into one.

The next day, Samuel wakes up alone in the messy bed. A note is left on the nightstand: See you later. He gets to work and goes on his day with his new-found chirpyness. He even starts conversations in the office.

"Hey Matt, how's it going?"

"Oh well, the usual. What's up with you? Looks like someone got laid these days!"

"Well, yeah, been dating these days. Things are good I guess."

"Good for you! Where did you meet?"

"Well...err...a friend of a friend's. How are your twins these days?"

"They're good. The mom's being a real pain at the moment cos she's complaining that I'm not giving her enough alimony, which is totally BS if you ask me"

"What are you going to do?"

"Let it be, cos she's not getting any more from me. No sirrrrieeee!!!"

"That's good. Hey, you still go to the gym?"

"Yeah, but I now go in the morning cos I've also quite drinking for a while. You know, just to be healthy for a change, god knows how much I've abused my body when I was young."

"Oh all right then. I'd better get back to work!"

"Yeah, chief"

So the two men go back to their position and work the day away. For days, it's been like this. Samuel goes in for work, works out, then have a date or not with one of the ladies. Day in, day out. Pretty much the same thing starts all over again as he lays in bed either by himself or not.

Despite the sameness of his days, he is discovering a different life altogether from the women he's dating and something else in himself. When he opens his fridge, it is no longer filled with beer bottles, but yogurt, fruit, leftover pasta, vegetables and eggs and all kinds of perishables. When he wakes up in the morning, a song would pop into his head and he'd be singing it till he hears it somewhere else. His place is also cleaner, and he even begins planning on repainting the place. Everything seems just right and wonderful.

Tonight, he's out with Mandy on a date. After he had kissed the woman good night, he thought of walking home to enjoy the spring night's breeze. With a turn of a corner, a speeding red Ford came charging through the alleyway, slamming into the man with great vigor. Even with the weight that Samuel has put on over the months, he still went flying for a few good feet. Laying there with limbs spread out like crooked branches, he exhaled with his eyes opened.

Samuel (seven) - Ignorance is Bliss

Sharon lives at the end of Shida road, in an apartment with two other girls. The place is clean, but the building is old and the white paint is all chipped and bubbling out. The granite floor is opaque from lack of waxing. Samuel steps in and asks, "Do I need to take my shoes off?"

"隨便你" (Whatever you like)

He looks around the place, the place is filled with furniture of the past tenant, mostly just looks like a patchwork with no style. The fake leather sofa with glass coffee table sits in the room, on the side are two chairs that originally belonged to an oakwood dining table set. Samuel sits on the sofa, looking at Sharon, the girl says, "你要喝甚麼？"(What do you want to drink)

"你有啤酒嗎？" (Do you have beer)

The girl walks to the kitchen and comes out with two Bar beer, the cheapest ones you can get in 7-11, then sits down beside the man. They crack open the beer, then she touches his thigh, and asks, "你為什麼沒有打電話給我？我以為我們上次玩得很高興。(Why haven't you called me? I thought we had a good time last time)"

"是阿，很好玩啊。是我最近都太忙了，所以才沒有打給你。" (Yeah, it was fun. But I've been busy these days. That's why I haven't called you.)

"其實我想打給你，但是我不想要讓你覺得我很隨便。所以我只有問Tammy知不知道你的消息。"(Actually, I've been wanting to call you, but I didn't want you to feel that I'm easy, so I only asked Tammy if she knows anything)

"他說甚麼？" (What did she say)

"沒有，他說沒跟你連絡了。但是，一切都不重要了，因為你現在就在我家。" (Nothing, she said that she hasn't talked to you for a while. But nothing matters anymore, because you're in my house now)

He looks over, her face is so young, glowing with a pink brilliance. The ignorance of being young is not so visible anymore. She looks at him, with a tinge of admiration.

The texture of youth is almost like touching a really soft yet firm lambskin purse. The pores are so small and the texture explodes with sunlight. After the sighs and groans, the two are left breathlessness then give in to slumber.

From night comes day, Samuel watches the girl beside him breathing smoothly. As the sun rises, he leaves without a sound, walking down the road of early morning Heping East Road, everything seems a bit lighter, brighter, and simpler. He knows nothing of what awaits.

Samuel (six) - Sex?

Since he joined the gym, Samuel has been going religiously and learning eagerly. Somehow, nights after work have become something he looks forward to as he can see his own changes in the massive mirrors in the weights area, his attitude has also changed about himself and towards others. He is... somewhat more confident.

Later on the afternoon on Tuesday, he got a call from the uni student Sharon.

"Why haven't you called me for so long?" the girl interrogates

"Uh... why should I call? *smile*"

"Well, I just saw you that night then I haven't hear from you since then"

"Do you want to do something tonight?"

"Um... like what?"

"Whatever you want, I need to go to the gym though. I'll be done around 7pm. We can meet somewhere around that area or whereever you prefer"

"OK, I'll see you there at 7"

Samuel hung up the phone, waited for time to pass, then off the gym he went. Right now, the place is blasting with trance music. But Samuel always pays no attention to that since he is so focused on his routines. Now, his soft yet toned back and shoulders are glistening with sweat. Today he works on chest and tris. As he is doing the 10th rep of his third set, a woman walks up to him and asks, "Can you help me with something?"

Shocked, Samuel tries to get the last rep up on the bar and catch his breath as he sits up. "What? I'm sorry, what do you need?"

"Well, I see you here very often and I wonder if you can teach me how to do this machine"

The woman is standing by the leg press machine that is right next to Samuel. Now he realized that the woman is dressed in tight dark purple crop top with light make-up, pink lipstick, and black spandex workout pants. Age around 35 and quite pretty looking. Samuel was caught speechless and stumbles, "Here, you need to first sit on it, then lift the handle on the side. I think you can start with 25lbs on each side"

"Twenty-five pounds? You think I can press that much?"

"Yeah, I think so, c'mon, you can do it"

"Now you need to do 12 reps each time and repeat that twice or three times"

"That'll kill me! Anyway, thanks for the help"

"No problem"

He goes back to his station, but now he keeps seeing that woman watching him from the reflection in front of them, yet he stays focused on the weight. Then, as he is about to leave the floor, the woman in purple stops him and says, "My name is Mandy and here's my number. I really need a gym partner, and you seem to be very good at it. Give me a call sometimes, or I guess I'll just see you here."

Then before Samuel can say anything, she goes in a different direction. Samuel is left speechless again, so he saved the number in his phone and got himself ready. As he walks down the stairs to the front desk, he sees a girl wearing a brown overcoat, loafers, tights, and her long curly brown hair cascading on her back, she turns around, "哈囉!好久不見啦!" (Hey, long time no see)

"Hey Sharon" Samuel gives her a warm smile, "你想要去哪？" (Where do you wanna go?)

"去我家！" (My house!)

Samuel (five) - The Gym

After hearing what Matt had to say, he went straight to the gym around the corner of his office after work. The place is filled with blue neon lights with posters of laughing youths flexing their muscles while looking at the camera ecstatically. Almost as if they can't believe they're actually alive.

Before Samuel can say a word to the salesperson at the front desk, a man in black appeared out of nowhere and said, "Hey! You want to join our club? I can show you around, you can see!"

"Uh...sure!"

So the man introduced his name as Tom and showed Samuel the four floors of the exercising machines and weights, most of them are unfamiliar to Samuel but he didn't ask anything. After the tour, Tom said, "Now we are offering new members a discount. If you sign up for two years, you only pay NT$1,500 a month and you can go anywhere in Taiwan."

"But I don't want to go all over Taiwan, how much is it just with this branch?"

"Um... why don't you sit down and I'll check with my manager?"

After about an hour's negotiation, Samuel agreed to the NT$25,000/two years, and paid right then and there. Not that he was so eager that he wanted to start right away, but simply because it is something new to be part of his life, maybe.

Later, he went to buy some shorts and shoes and was determined to go after work tomorrow and see what all the fuss was about.

The next day, around 5pm, he changed his clothes and got up to the fourth floor. He with his new New Balance running shoes squeaking quietly along the PU floor, one hand holding the towel and the other a bottled water, Samuel looked bewildered and lost in the sea of machines and weights around him. He decided to try the treadmill and got on next to a girl in green. He tried pushing the buttons but was unable to make the conveyor belt move. So he asked:

"對不起，這要怎麼用？(Sorry, can you show me how to use this?)"

"喔，你就按quick start就可以了，再按箭頭上或下。看你要快還是慢。(Sure, just press 'quick start' and if you want it to adjust the speed, just use the arrow buttons.)"

"謝謝。(Thanks)"

"不會。(No worries)"

Then Samuel started walking, then jogging. The girl beside him just grabbed hold of the railing and kept walking uphill, not a sweat on her makeup face though for the longest time while Samuel is getting out of breathe with his jogging only after 10 minutes. So he jumped off the machine and walked around some more.

He saw many middle aged and older women in the gym, all wearing tight-skinned gym outfits, some are simply just a bra, doing the classes where an instructor is on the front. All weights in the hand and doing different kinds of lifting and pushing. The music was deafening and appallingly loud. So he walked over to the machines for weights, and sat at a machine that you're supposed to do a rowing motion, according to the instructions.

Fifteen minutes in, when Samuel is taking a breather, the girl in green walked over, and sat down to do the same machine. She said, "我不會用這個，你可以教我嗎？(I don't know how to use this machine, can you teach me?)"

"你就手握緊把手，再往後拉就可以了。(Just hold on to the handle then pull)"

"但是這太重了耶。(But it's too heavy)"

"那你就可以調旁邊的輪盤，看你要多重。(Then just adjust the dial on the side)"

Samuel was thinking whether he should do a bit more and stay along to see if there would be anymore interactions with this girl, but then he decided not to be sleazy and left the girl with her rowing. As he was leaving the gym, however, he has decided he will return at the same time, secretly hoping the girl will show up too.

Samuel (four) Male Power

During the whole of February, Samuel basically worked, slept, got drunk, and ate. Not necessarily in that order, but he follows the routine even though he doesn't feel much inside. He eats at the same noodle, pasta, and Cantonese places. He drinks at sports bars during happy hours. And since his job doesn't require much of a skill or brain, he has been spending most of his conscious mind browsing through Sharon and Tammy's Facebook photos and updates. Then he slowly finding these girls annoyingly intriguing.

Of course, he has dated Taiwanese women, or girls. At first, he was blown away by how slender and feminine they are comparing to western chicks. Then he was also blown away by how similar they are with the western chicks by how often they lose their tempers and how they like to comment on their imperfections while fishing for a praise from him. Like a good boy, he gives it to them. Yet, they leave him nonetheless in the end.

One day, he had a conversation with his co-worker Matt and his annoying clicking sound.

(tse) "Hey big boy, how's the weekend?"

"Uh... it's alright, went to Carnegie's with some friends and had a few beers. What about you?"

(tse) "Had the time to see my kids, I wanted to take them to the park but my ex wanted to go shopping. It was fun to see those kids, but my ex is really driving me up the wall..."

"So she's still asking for NT$50,000 a month for alimony?"

"Yeah"

"That's steep! How do you keep up with all that?"

(tse) "Well, I also work as an escort"

"No kidding?! There's a foreign escort service here?"

(tse) "There is a thing called the internet"

"So you mean you go out with girls and ask them to pay for your way?"

(tse) "Yeah, this actually a website that I have, but mostly, I go to the gym. Hey, I need to run now, I'll catch you later, k big boy?"

Samuel walked over to his desk, wondering if there's any truth in whatever Matt just said. Then the computer screen appeared a chat box that said: Hey Samuel, how's it going? :)

Samuel (three) Post New Year High

After the new year high, now the city is tainted by the constant drizzle and piercing wind. All the festiveness in the air disappeared as the last bit of new year-ness sobers up. Samuel is at work, editing the English articles that means nothing more than a way to filling up his fridge and booze cabinet, and of course, his

bank account.

Walking towards his cubicle is his co-worker Matt, who would always makes this clicking sound every time before he speaks, like he's sucking on a piece of candy. (tse) "Hey Sam, was just wondering if you got a chance to take a look at my blog that I told you about."

"Not yet, been busy this weekend. How's yours?"

(tse) "Nothing much, a few friends of mine went to Brass Monkey. Hey, who were those chicks that you were hanging out that night? They look pretty young, they're like what? 20?"

"Yeah it was fun."

(tse) "Oh well, time to get back to work."

Other than the fact that Matt is your regular Canadian who comes to Taiwan for the money, he's also got a lot of debt to pay, especially now all bogged down by his pregger girlfriend. Poor chump.

Finally, it's noon. As Samuel walks into the kitchenette to get some more coffee and microwave his last night dinner, he sees Katherine, who loves nothing more but to talk about herself no matter what the topic of the conversation is.

"Hi Katherine"

"Oh hey Samuel. Did you cook that? I also cook more in red sauce rather than cream sauce, you know, because tomatoes have lots of antioxidants that's really good for your body. My husband also cooks but he's more of a steak guy. I can't believe how expensive steak is here in this country. Jeez... I remember when I was in Novaskosia..."

Samuel begins to drift off into that night with the girls, how their hair smell when he leaned close to talk to them and their lips move when they spoke, how their breath passed his ear like the breeze on a summer's day.

(ding!)

"So anyway, that's how we finally got to the hotel. Hey, your lunch is ready."

"Oh thanks. Talk to you later, Katherine"

As he takes a bite out of his pasta, he texted Sharon: Hey, you wanna grab a drink tonight?

Reply: I can't, need to study for finals. But can meet up for a dinner. Let's meet at KGB at 7?

KGB it is.

Then after a long day, it was great to see a girl dressed in such an unconventional way with her dark purple rara skirt with grassy green tights underneath, accompanied with her black turtleneck sweater with a yellow felt duck pinned on the left shoulder. And of course, her white headphones that makes her head comically small, like those Japanese graphic designs.

"嗨！好久不見！哈哈哈哈！" (Hi, long time no see! hahahahah)

"Hi, 你好嗎？" (Hi, how are you doing?)

"好阿好阿，你要坐外面還是裡面？" (Good, good! Do you wanna sit inside or out?)

"你覺得呢？" (What do you want?)

"外面好了，裡面太多人了，感覺會很吵，而且我不要吃完漢堡變成漢堡" (Out, it seems too noisy inside with all those people. Besides, I don't wanna turn into a burger after I've eaten one either)

"Huh?　喔，哈哈哈哈" (Huh? Oh...hahahah)

After knowing when Sharon's finals is going to be, and that she is going back to Kaohsiung during her winter break, Samuel feels a bit lost with how he feels, and the feeling during Christmas is creeping up on him again. Then he gets home, snaps open another Corona and takes a swig while his face glares with the bluish light from the monitor.